Five More Zombie Clichés
Worst: But First, Let Me Take a Shower.
The entire world has descended into madness and all the luxuries of civilized society, like Starbucks and Urban Barn (NOOOO), have all but disappeared. Amazingly, even without running water (and Starbucks), Sally Survivor has managed to keep-up her hygiene routine, including shaving her armpits/legs/nipples and brushing and curling her surprisingly grease-free hair
This isn't realistic. I mean, I don’t know about you guys, but after one day without a shower or running water of some kind, my personal hygiene plummets faster than an English student’s employability after graduation. I'm disgusting; humans are disgusting. We leak stinky, moist organic material from every orifice of our body ALL DAY LONG. And we have a boatload of orifices. You only have to look at me after a two day camping trip where there are literal mud holes for toilets to know that the level of hygiene maintained in zombie stories is completely unachievable.
- Shaving is already dangerous. You're balancing one leg on a counter, holding a razor so sharp it literally cuts hairs, and grazing it along major arteries. Now picture doing that with a bunch of insatiable naked corpses mobbing your bathroom.
|"Don't Dead Open Inside?"|
I understand that the signs need to be easily readable from a distance, but some of these things need captions. Do you have a safe place for survivors? Instead of writing a giant sign with something a little too subtle, like "SAFETY HERE--->", why not explain in the small print what you're actually offering? Why not give specific directions? Want to warn other survivors about a zombie horde? "Dead Inside" is not an effective way to do it, because dead people traditionally don't try to eat you.
"Dead Inside" sounds like an existential song lyric. It sounds like something a middle-class, white teenager would write after his two-parent unit takes away his iPhone to discourage distractions during mid-term exam week.
|"Oh, hey, Steve. Looks like you scratched your face a little, buddy."|
Worst: Soylent Green.
It eventually happens to every surviving group. They happen upon a virtual utopia, a safe haven, filled with smiling friendlies. And everything's great. Their new friends keep offering them food, lots of grains and butter. Sometimes they even give them BBQ sauce--by the bottle!
The friendlies are always complimenting the survivors. "We love having you for dinner" "You look good enough to eat." They laugh a little too hard for a little too long.
Pretty soon the friendlies are shuffling plump survivors through a narrow hallway, and, surprise, yup, they're cannibals. They're eating people. No one saw it coming.